Tuesday, November 3, 2015

INTRO: Real Struggle

After a year of talking shit bricks, and working non stop without any travelling with a corporate giant in this media industry, i am writing again.

Truth be told, i have been writing a lot on other platforms but it seems like putting it all on a proper blog like this is no longer a luxury.

I am not writing to complain. In fact i am thankful to have a very supportive family and a good relationship despite all the struggles. I am just trying to be ambitious here as i pray that this will serve as a blueprint for everyone out there to:

1. avoid repeating my mistake; or
2. do the same thing as i did if i ever manage to survive this shithole.

I hope this writing will add value to anybody;s life...Tom, dick and harry, Abu, Samad, Nordin.

The Struggles

Life as a studying working adult.

I serve in a large corporate structure of content provider (read: media) as part of a bitchy team to check the internal control of the company. Honestly, i love this job. Especially the industry im in. its just that i dont have enough to make ends meet. (boombastic!!!)

I am now spending my time commuting 4 hours a day just so that i can come out with reports that will add value to the operations of the company. The job requires lots of writing which im fine with it but requires extra working hours. As a commuter, this is a CHALLENGE. Sometimes the extra hours arent necessary...its just the culture.

Being in corporate world, i am vulnerable to the factors affecting the external environment of the company. The performance of the group as a whole reflects my increment and my possibility to be promoted. No promotion, no extra money, which will lead to a very sad me.

 I am doing my MBA now as my investment to pitch into a better position in the corporate world. It will took sometime until 2017 to complete.

Basically i have nothing to complain on my scope of work and the industry i live in because i like it. Having said that, i am also full of greed. I sometimes yearn for something more. Time and Money.

Business'esss

My business in insurance is a flop. Closed down. I tried to  start all over again but i just cant for the time being. Case closed. All i did now is to serve my current clients the best i can.

It is not that i dont want to pursuit this career, i love the vibes and energy. I love the people im with.
I did the business once, i know i need to be fully committed with the business and it doesnt fit my hectic schedule as a commuter and a long haul corporate police.

I managed tours on part time basis. I love doing it. I dont have the luxury to be on leave and go on tours anymore.

I will write something on this later.

Losing Weight

In 2014, before i started working, i was pre empted on possible weight gain and true enough...the numbers are now up to 105.5kg. I tried various way to go on a diet which resulted in yo-yo results.

Its 2015, and is till did not come any near to go Arnold....I have nothing to complain as i choose this life. i Have nothing to complain.

Greed

I bought myself a handsome condo which will cost me RM2,000 per month in 2018. Im suffering just to pay the interest now...Until its completion date...i'll be dead.

Wait....im already dead now as i am also servicing the loan for my handsome car and my credit card bills and other commitments.

SUMMARY: LESSON FOR ALL 

In short, if you take the time to analyze the root-cause of the struggles...it all ties back to Greed.

I was greedy in making the move to purchase things that i cant afford yet. I was ambitious.

Never did i expect that my insurance business can no longer bail me out from the financial struggle which led me to move back with my parents in Seremban and starts commuting on a daily basis. I didnt foresee that i will grow so much fat within a year.


Something to BE THANKFUL 

I believe the everything happens for reasons.

In a corporate world, i get the opportunity to learn lots of stuff..the politics, human behaviour, the way to talk and business process..EVERYTHING WE NEED TO KNOW WITH A FIXED SALARY.

I commute on a daily basis which allows me to see my parents and get their daily blessings. As a muslim, that is the biggest blessing.

The struggle had strengthen my relationship with the one i love. It was tough but it gets better and better. It improves the flow in communicating as a couple. We have a long way to go and theres a lot more to explore in preparing our next step.

Most of all, i am thankful to know that i survive and i am still alive and breathing healthy.











Tuesday, December 17, 2013

First writing assignment got me all fired up to revive this dead blog

why do i want to do this?Why do i take up this writing course?

Eversince i was small i am very passionate about writing. When I was seven years old, i have one small notebook where i will write whatever it is that came across my mind. I cant recall every content that i write but i did remember writing something about leg massage that cracks the whole house with laughter.

When i was asked what do i want to be when i grew up, i would say i want to become a lawyer and a writer. That was 20 years ago. Once i asked my mum can i be a Prime Minister and a writer at the same time? With her long smile she said, i can be like Mahathir Mohamad, the Prime MInister and the great writer. I remember feeling very good and have high hipes for the future.  Inow end up nothing like i thought i would be 20 years ago. Situation changed, people changed. I had a Bachelor Degree in Accounting and Finance, work as a struggling Financial Planner and nothing close on becoming a Prime Minister. To make things worst, im broke. One thing i know never change is my passion in writing or should i say, expressing my feelings in words. That is why i never like to take phone calls and one of the main factor of my many failures in establishing a relationship.

I read a lot but i am very choosy. I cant digest complicated stuff and long stressful articles. I found that reading is a good therapy if i encounter the difficulty to sleep. Having said that, i have no other options but to read more in order to enhance my writing skill. English is not my first language which makes reading something in english more vital.

I want to write stories. Stories about me and people around me. By mastering my writing skill, i hope i can do this and make a living out of this. I wont live forever. With my piece i hope people will notice my existence and who knows, i can live forever in the heart of my reader.


Which habits that i am going to change and what new habits that i will start practising?

In order to answer this correctly, i need to be honest and start identifying all my weaknesses which means i need to lower down my ego and my pride.

The worst part of me is that i cant wake up early and i sleep a lot. Which leads to another bad habit which is procastinating.

i believe by waking up early, and reduce my sleeping hours, i can change my destiny. Therefore waking up early is the habit that i hope i can start practising immediately.

Other than that, i want to start my day by expressing my gratitudes towards everything good and bad that happens around me and live my day smiling. I need to have a well planned structured day.

Besides that, i want to talk about good positive things and stop cursing. I hate the fact that i have a very bad temper and can curse all day over something. This has lead me to a very stressful life and had create bad atmosphere to the people around me.

Another thing is that i want to be spiritually content. i want to connect my mind, body and soul with surroundings and god. Writing is one of the way i know how.

We live in the world full of lies and deceit. I want to lead an honest life. I have not been honest all my life. There are times that i lie and make excuses which i really regret. i will be honest and tell the truth, so that i can live in dignity.

How do i deal with interruptions and distractions?

The only way to deal with interruptions and distractions is to have a great focus in what i do. In order to be focus, i need to have strong reasons to write. Therefore, i need to know my objective and why i need to write. With great focus and passion, i know i can achieve great things.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Self check

Lately i have been thinking a lot about the future. Everytime when im alone,either when im driving my car or when i was alone staring at the ceiling trying to sleep,all i think about was my future. Will i be what i expect myself to be?

I used to have this mentality of "i want to be rich". I dont know why but since i was a small kid, i have been embracing the ideology of being rich will keep me away from problems. I dont know how it all started.

I joined the business im in now, about a year ago. The reason im in the business was that i want to be rich. That is all. I saw people driving nice cars, staying in a big house, spending money like water, and do lots of other stuff commoners like me wont get the chance to do.

As time goes on, somehow my perception changed. Being rich but sick. Fuck it. I dnt want that. Rich but you have the world on your shoulder. No. I dnt want that.

As you grow your wealth, your responsibility grow. That's the price of being rich and it is a heavy burden.

Then again, i think, people who we see as rich, work really hard not really because they want to be rich. They work hard and become rich because they love what they did.

That is why, sometimes, people obsess with money usually will go nowhere. Like me now.

We can never convert a dollar sign in our eyes into money.

In order to be succesful, the dollar sign needs to go. Honesty is the best policy.

I myself conclude, that all the wealth comes along with passion and hardwork.

"usaha tangga kejayaan - peribahasa"

Monday, March 11, 2013

Test

Right now i am sitting in a classroom full of people...the lecturer is talking the language i suppose to understand well but i couldnt interpret. The room is cold and everybody seems to have their eyes wide open..some is listening,some is digesting and a few is pretending.

The exam is around the corner and i freak out. With a lot other responsibilities,i seem to have lose a part of the battle. My career is sinking. No money coming in,and it seems like everything is going out. Deficit. However im still glad there is someone rescuing me. Thank you. But until when?How long?

Im trying to take things slow but my head is exploding.

Now onwards, my utmost priority is to finish my degree and that is what i should do.

I will talk to god more often, meditate in my 5times a day prayers and wake up early.

It feels so good to finally let go things from my chest.

Lots of love,
Iwan

Thursday, January 31, 2013

The book - intro

a lil snippet on my book which i wish to publish after my final exam.....kindly leave your comment. (this is a draft, havent even check what i type, so typo is everywhere)

I was down and heartbroken when i saw the pics. Was it because i'm fat or was it because im a total ass?

all my life i have lived believing that being a little bit different from other people around me is ok. I wil put a smile on my face every morning, looking at the mirror, telling myself that im perfect, and enjoy the rest of my day. I am loud. People could hear my voice from a distance.In everything i did, i trIed to stand out and glow, trying to attract attention. I love it when people around me is influenced by my happy mood. I didnt mind people making jokes on me. Jokes on my physical appearance, jokes on my mistakes and even jokes about 'the girl i really like but i couldn get'. In my mind, i was thinking, "yeah right....i may be fat, but i have good looks". 

the truth is, i am being a hypocrite. I didnt like myself. I hate the fact that im fat. I laughed everytime they crack jokes on me, but deep down inside it hurts. I may be laughing when they were making fun about 'the girl i want but i couldnt get', but the truth was, i keep blaming myself for being fat. Though they may be other reasons, i still hate it when i have to face the fact that im fat and im being rejected. It sucks.Here,for the first time in my life, i am being honest to the world, to myself, and i hate it.

i personally have tried so many ways to lose weight. Avoiding rice for a month, sign up for gym membership, jogging, and  not eating at all. I failed. There was this time when i was working with a gigantic firm with no gym and entertainment, i managed to lose close to 15kg. The cheap firm didnt provide us, the employees with gym. Only corporate membership that looks cheap on paper. After losing the 15kg, i got back that 15kg in less than 3 months. Thanks to the heavy workload,i use food as a getaway for me to distress and have fun.

After the weight gain, i was thinking. "what the heck, we live only once, i might as well eat". True enough, i started to eat like a cow. After every meal, i would have the guilt and would be running to the toilet to throw everything back into the white bowl.

Every month, i would be suffering from ulcer and constant flu. I had no energy.  I couldnt sleep at night, and i couldnt wake up early. Having a cup of milo before i sleep is necessary. To make it worse, nasi lemak or roti canai before i sleep, everyday.

At the office, i am no longer competent. i would walk with my tummy tucked in while holding my breath and pretend to be a confident person with sweet tongue. 

I f you are reading this, there is a 99 percent chance that you are someone i knew. Maybe you're fat, maybe you're not. If you are, i hope this book will help to inspire you. If you're not, i still hope this book will inspire you. This book is my story. what you will read is the most honest things that i have ever express. i am not yet a success in everything i did until i successfully make you read this book until the end. Whether you are inspired or not, i bet you will.







Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Henshin: day 40

I have mentioned in my post before the reason why I am up to accept the challenge of losing weight.

I have passed 30days of dieting and exercise regularly and lost an amazing 10kg.

To be precise,today is day 40 of my program.

Was it hard the first 30 days?
Yes,i wnt lie.

Was it harder after that?
Yes, mainly becoz it is raya season.

How does doing this has keep me closer to my goals?
Yes, the first 30days of doing it, I have train myself to control the temptation of enjoying the unhealthy and delicious food. It reflects my determination and personality. If I can lose weight,i can do anything.

What keeps me going?
I want to look good. I want to be healthier . I want to adapt strict discipline in my daily routine. I want my business which is based on trust to grow. I want to inspire those obese friends of mine to be healthy. I want to live healthy and longlife. I want to have a great body, and run without my shirt on at the beach.

Today is day 40. On day 39 I have started to convert my diet plan to green juice diet. Inspired by Joe Cross. Thank you joe for such an informative and cool movie.

I have passed the first day succesfully.

I hope to reboot the whole system in my body and lose more weight.

I want to lose another 10kg this month and make sure I wont see a three digits on my scale forever

'when there's a will,there's a way'

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Blackberry

it has been such a long time since the last time i used blackberry as a communication device. Having said that, i myself did not use blackberry for a long time..earlier today i saw a blackberry commercial on tv and suddenly i remember a story of why i start using a blackberry in the first place.

it was somewhere in February 2011 where i just got back from a solo trip, and on the very next day i need to start working and rush back to my hometown in Seremban after work. I was carrying a very big bag behind my back fill with souvenirs, and some stuff that i manage to sell later.

Around 6.30 pm, after work, i was ready to go back and push off to Seremban. I need to walk around 1km to KL Central and get my car. So i was in a bit of a rush.

At the lift, i saw this very sweet and tall lady idle, with her paper bags. She seemed tired  but she smile as our eyes met.

Though she seems tired, she suddenly talk..and the conversation did not end until we enter the lift. She talk and talk and we end up walking together to the station while i shared some of my experience and journey in Padang.

The conversation ended up at the station and i saw a blackberry in her bag.

The very next day, i went out to Sg Wang and i got myself a blackberry..

post ni x best langsung hahahahahahaha


I would visualize things coming to me. It would just make me feel better. Visualization works if you work hard. That's the thing. You can't just visualize and go eat a sandwich. - Jim Carrey

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Henshin:Makan

I no longer take anything that contains sugar n oil except for virgin coconut oil.

At first it was tough,coz i love anything deep fried to my bones but as time goes by,it turn out tonbe alright..i wont die if i dont get goreng pisang,but i wilk die for having goreng pisang excessively.

Throughout ramadhan,i have been able to be strong by rejecting all the food in front of me.

During the agency dinner where they served lamb briyani,i took salad instead.

At my nephew birthday party where everybody had fried rice with sotong celup tepung n kungpo chicken,i had steam fish instead.

At my iwn house where everybody is eating their foOd,i maintain my stand,maintain my mental strength.

I strive to be different,to succeed,this is the whole idea of me starting up in the first place.

I will make a change i will change and i hope to change other people as well.

Now i'll get my beauty sleep,coz tomorrow is gonna be a long hectic day.

A few close longtime friend is organizing pot luck event at my place. I stand by my decision,

NOT EATING IT WONT KILL ME, BUT EATING IT WILL KILL ME SOMEDAY

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Henshin...Transformers...Bertukar...Gaban

Henshin...Bertukar...Transform....

At certain point in life, there is a very huge needs for you to change and transform.
Tell me one person who does not change a bit?

Personality might not change, asshole continue being an asshole..mr niceguy continue being a loser till the end of his life...but how could anybody compete with age?

Even Malaysian Cyborg like Kak Nita is aging day by day.

All the motivational talks that i attend to, countless sharing sessions with those million dollar salesman, has emphasized on the power of change, the power of positive thinking, the law of attractions, and  blablablabla.

I am convinced that i am a great salesman, but i am a salesman who doesnt show much result. I believe i have a big issue. It is my ATTITUDE.

Some part of me often look for excuses like i am focusing more, extra miles on my studies but when i have no classes in this semester break, i still suck at my sales.

The main problem here is attitude and then followed by my screwed up system and activity, and the last part is record keeping.

The other problems are easy to overcome when i can solve my first problem which is my attitude.

That is why, the moment when a close relative challenged me on a weight loss program i did not hesitate.

So what does all that got to do with my attitude problem?

My boss, the one i always idolised often told me to never focus on the problem, but focus on the solution.

I believe by participating and putting the whole effort in this weight loss challenge is the SOLUTION.

You see, when i started dieting on the 1st day of Ramadhan, i was a fat 24 years old weighing around 115kg, a lazy person, and i am stubborn, egomaniac, control freak, and loves food.

What if i can control one thing, and change the whole idea of me being me?

The idea is, what if i can control my diet, make sacrifices here and there, add workout routine in my schedule and lose weight, thus becoming a new me?

My theory is, if i can change my diet, my crave for food, i can automatically change my attitude in becoming a more positive person.

What i really mean is, when you can handle your desire, control what you want, and accept the fact that you cant have something for your own good, you already reflect a positive attitude that would somehow be implemented in your daily life.

So for me, all the talks, inspirational and motivational talks, and sharing is a waste of time when you have a bad attitude.

It has been two weeks since the first day is started on my conquest, and so far i have lost 8kg...i am now 107kg. Did i see any changes in my attitude these 2 weeks?

First, i think i have become a happier person.

Secondly, I learn to reject and object

Third, I learn the word acceptance

Forth, i am a more discipline person

That is just four that i can think of, but it is only 2nd week..i have a very long way to go.

Among other things that i want to change are:

1. Procrastination
2. Punctuality
3. Wake up time
4. Egomaniac
5. Stubborn
6. Excuses

Why do i have to put all this in my blog?

Remember when i said that record keeping is among my other problem?

Well this blog is the record, and whoever read this is my witness for my transformation.

Will anyone support me on this journey?

I know i will never walk alone.

It is very important to generate a good attitude, a good heart, as much as possible. From this, happiness in both the short term and the long term for both yourself and others will come. - Dalai Lama


 


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Tale of 1 Malaysia

Cerita yang aku nak cerita ni, memang cerita betul. Berkaitan dengan hidup dan mati.

Satu malam yang hening. Hujan baru lepas berhenti. Aku duduk dekat tepi kedai Mamak, melayan perut yang sebu baru lepas pekena Cha Koey Tiau.

Mamak ni memang happening. Kalau bukan sebab member aku bukak tapak jual Koey Tiau memang haram aku nak pergi.

Satu sudut, ada sekumpulan budak budak Cina main gitar menyanyi lagu Mandarin. Memang happening.

Aku pulak melayan perasaan, bertemankan kawan kawan yang bercerita pasal belajar tak habis habis. Cerita basi. Aku dah dengar benda yang sama 2 3 tahun dah.

Tiba tiba bunyik hon, menganggu ketenangan kami. Aku nampak satu kereta apa entah dengan sesedap burger McD menghon sebijik kereta lain yang aku nampak driver dia seorang apek tua.

Dah puas mamat tu hon, dia keluar daripada kereta lalu disuruhnya apek tu keluar. Dah apek keluar, dia tolak pulak apek tu. Memang cilaker.


Aku ingat aku sorang jerk panas.

Ya Kawan kawan, mamat tuh tak bertahan lama. Habis dia kena bantai, kena maki dengan masyarakat Malaysia kat tepi yang menyaksikan bahana itu.

Sebenarnya memang apek tu yang salah. Tapi apa yang menimbulkan kemarahan orang sekeliling ialah cara mamat tuh disrespect orang tua.

Saat itu, aku percaya yang prinsip prinsip rukun negara memang x pernah dilupakan.

Selamat Hari Jadi Terlambat, Malaysia